I AM ESTHER
I AM ESTHER (第1/3页)
IwasputtinglentilsoupontheboilforoureveningmealwhenNesimsaid,“There’savisitoratthedoor.”Ireplied,“Makesurethesoupdoesn’tburn,”handinghimthespoonandgivingitacoupleofturnsinthepotwhileholdinghisagedhand.Ifyoudon’tshowthem,they’llstandthereforhoursidlyholdingthespooninthepot.
WhenIsawBlackatthedoorIfeltnothingbutpityforhim.TherewassuchanexpressiononhisfaceIwasafraidtoaskwhathadhappened.
“Don’tbothertocomeinside,”Isaid,“I’llbeoutassoonasIchangeclothes.”
IdonnedthepinkandyellowgarmentsthatIwearwhenI’minvitedtoRamadanfestivities,wealthybanquetsandlengthyweddings,andtookupmyholidaysatchel.“I’llhavemysoupwhenIgetback,”IsaidtopoorNesim.
BlackandIhadcrossedonestreetinmylittleJewishneighborhoodwhosechimneyslabortoexpeltheirsmoke,thewayourkettlesforceouttheirsteam,andIsaid:“Shekure’sformerhusbandisback.”
Blackfellsilentandstayedthatwayuntilwelefttheneighborhood.Hisfacewasashen,thecolorofthewaningday.
“Wherearethey?”heaskedsometimelater.
FromthisquestionIguessedthatShekureandherchildrenweren’tathome.“They’reattheirhouse,”Isaid.BecauseImeantShekure’sprevioushome,andknewatoncethatthiswouldsingeBlack’sheart,Iopenedadoorofhopeforhimbytackingtheword“probably”ontotheendofmystatement.
“Haveyouseenhernewlyreturnedhusband?”heaskedme,lookingdeepintomyeyes.
“Ihaven’tseenhim,neitherdidIseeShekure’sflightfromthehouse.”
“Howdidyouknowthey’dleft?”
“Fromyourface.”
“Tellmeeverything,”hesaiddecisively.
Blackwassotroubledhedidn’tunderstandthatEsther—hereyeeternallyatthewindow,hereareternallytotheground—couldnever“telleverything”ifshewantedtocontinuetobetheEstherwhofoundhusbandsforsomanydreamymaidensandknockedonthedoorsofsomanyunhappyhomes.
“WhatI’veheard,”Isaid,“isthatthebrotherofShekure’sformerhusband,Hasan,visitedyourhouse”—itheartenedhimwhenIsaid“yourhouse”—“andtoldShevketthathisfatherwasonhiswayhomefromwar,thathewouldarrivearoundmidafternoon,andthatifhedidn’tfindShevket’smotherandbrotherintheirrightfulhome,he’dbeveryupset.Shevkettoldthistohismother,whoactedcautiously,butcouldn’tcometoadecision.Towardmidafternoon,ShevketleftthehousetobewithhisUncleHasanandhisgrandfather.”
“Wheredidyoulearnthesethings?”
“Hasn’tShekuretoldyouaboutHasan’sschemesoverthelasttwoyearstogetherbacktohishouse?TherewasatimewhenHasansentletterstoShekurethroughme.”
“Didsheeverrespondtothem?”
“IknowallthevarietiesofwomeninIstanbul,”Isaidproudly,“there’snoonewho’sasboundtoherhouse,herhusbandandherhonorasShekureis.”
“ButIamherhusbandnow.”
Hisvoiceborethattypicallymaleuncertaintythatalwaysdepressedme.Amazingly,towhicheversideShekurefled,theothersidewenttopieces.
“HasanwroteanoteandgaveittometodelivertoShekure.ItdescribedhowShevkethadcomehometoawaitthereturnofhisfather,howShekurehadbeenmarriedinanillegitimateceremony,howShevketwasveryunhappyonaccountofthefalsehusbandwhowassupposedtobehisnewfatherandhowhewasnevergoingback.”
“HowdidShekurerespond?”
“ShewaitedforyouallthroughthenightwithpoorOrhan.”
“WhataboutHayriye?”
“Hayriye’sbeenwaitingforyearsfortheopportunitytodrownyourbeautifulwifeinaspoonfulofwater.ThiswaswhyshebegansleepingwithyourEnishte,mayherestinpeace.WhenHasansawthatShekurewasspendingthenightaloneinfearofmurderersandghosts,hesentalonganothernotethroughme.”
“Whatdidhewrite?”
ThanksbetoGodthatyourunfortunateEsthercan’treadorwrite,becausewhenirateEffendisandirritablefathersaskthisquestion,shecansay:“Icouldn’treadtheletter,onlythefaceofthebeautifulmaidenreadingtheletter.”
“WhatdidyoureadinShekure’sface?”
“Helplessness.”
Foralongtimewedidn’tspeak.Awaitingnightfall,anowlwasperchedonthedomeofasmallGreekchurch;runny-nosedneighborhoodkidslaughedatmyclothesandbundle,andamangydoghappilyscratchinghimselflopeddownfromthecemeterylinedwithcypressestogreetthenight.
“Slowdown!”IshoutedatBlacklater,“Ican’tgetupthesehillsthewayyoucan.Whereareyoutakingmewithmysatchellikethis?”
“BeforeyoubringmetoHasan’shouse,I’mtakingyoutosomegenerousandbraveyoungmensoyoucanspreadoutyourbundleandsellthemsomefloweryhandkerchiefs,silksashesandpurseswithsilverembroideryfortheirsecretlovers.”
ItwasagoodsignthatBlackcouldstillmakejokesinhispitiablestate,butIcouldfathomtheseriousnessbehindhismirth.“Ifyou’regoingtogatheraposse,I’llnevertakeyoutoHasan’shouse,”Isaid.“I’mfrightenedtodeathoffightsandbrawls.”
“IfyoucontinuetobetheintelligentEstheryou’vealwaysbeen,”hesaid,“there’llbeneitherfightnorbrawl.”
WepassedthroughAksarayandenteredtheroadheadingback,straighttowardtheLangagardens.Ontheupperpartofthemuddyroad,inaneighborhoodthathadseenhappierdays,Blackwalkedintoabarbershopthatwasstillopen.Isawhimtalkingtothemasterbarberbeingshavedbyanhonest-lookingboywithlovelyhandsbythelightofanoillamp.Beforelong,thebarber,hishandsomeapprentice,andlater,twomoreofhismenjoinedupwithusatAksaray.Theycarriedswordsandaxes.AtasidestreetinShehzadebash1,atheologystudent,whomIcouldn’tpictureinvolvedinsuchroughaffairs,joinedusinthedarkness,swordinhand.
“Doyouplanonraidingahouseinthemiddleofthecityinbroaddaylight?”Isaid.
“It’snotday,it’snight,”saidBlackinatonemorepleasedthanjoking.
“Don’tbesoconfidentjustbecauseyou’veputtogetheragang,”Isaid.“Let’shopetheJanissariesdon’tcatchsightofthisfullyequippedlittlearmywanderingaround.”
“Noonewillcatchsightofus.”
“YesterdaytheErzurumisfirstraidedatavernandthenthedervishhouseatSa?1rkap1,beatingupeveryheyfoundinbothplaces.Anelderlymanwhotookablowtohisheadwithastickdied.Inthispitchblackness,theymightthinkyou’reoftheirlot.”
“IhearyouwenttodearlydepartedElegantEffendi’shouse,sawhiswife,Godblessher,andthehorsesketcheswiththesmearedinkbeforerelayingitalltoShekure.HadElegantEffendibeenspendingalotoftimewiththehenchmenofthepreacherfromErzurum?”
“IfIsoundedoutElegantEffendi’swife,itwasbecauseIthoughtitmightultimatelyhelpmypoorShekure,”Isaid.“Anyway,I’dgheretoshowherthelatestclothwhichhadcomeofftheFlemishship,nottoinvolvemyselfinyourlegalandpoliticalaffairs—whichmypoorbraincouldn’tfathomanyway.”
Asweenteredthestreet,whichranbehindCharsh1kap1,myheartquickenedwithfear.Thebare,wet
branchesofthechestnutandmulberrytreesglimmeredinthepalelightofthehalf-moon.Abreezekickedupbyjinnsandthelivingdeadrippledthelacededgingofmysatchel,whistledthroughthetreesandcarriedthescentofourgrouptoneighborhooddogslyinginwait.Astheybegantobarkonebyone,IpointedoutthehousetoBlack.Westaredquietlyatitsdarkroofandshutters.Blackhadthementakepositionsaroundthehouse:intheemptygarden,oneithersideofthecourtyardgateandbehindthefigtreesinback.
“InthatentrywayoverthereisavileTatarbeggar,”Isaid.“He’sblind,buthe’llknowwho’scomeandgonealongthisstreetbetterthantheneighborhoodheadmandoes.HecontinuallyplayswithhimselfasifhewereoneoftheSultan’svulgarmonkeys.Withoutlettingyourhandtouchhis,givehimeightortensilverpiecesandhe’lltellyoueverythingheknows.”
Fromadistance,IwatchedBlackhandoverthecoins,thenlayhisswordagainstthethroatofthebeggarandbegintopressurehimwithquestions.Next,I’mnotsurehowithappened,thebarber’sapprentice,whoIthoughtwassimplywatchingthehouse,begantobeattheTatarwiththebuttofhisaxe.Iwatchedforawhile,thinkingitwouldn’tlast,buttheTatarwaswailing.Iranoverandpulledthebeggarawaybeforetheykilledhim.
“Hecursedmymother,”saidtheapprentice.
“HesaysthatHasanisn’thome,”Blacksaid.“Canwetrustwhatthisblindmansays?”Hehandedmeanotethathe’dquicklywritten.“Takethis,bringittothehouse,giveittoHasan,andifhe’snotthere,giveittohisfather,”hesaid.
“Haven’tyouwrittenanythingforShekure?”IaskedasItookthenote.
“IfIsendheraseparatenote,it’llincitethemenofthehouseevenmore,”Blacksaid.“TellherI’vefoundherfather’svilemurderer.”
“Isthistrue?”
“Justtellher.”
ChastisingtheTatar,whowasstillcryingandcomplaining,Iquietedhimdown.“Don’tforgetwhatI’vedoneforyou,”Isaid,comingtotherealizationthatI’ddrawnouttheincidentsoIwouldn’thavetoleave.
WhyhadIstuckmynoseintothisaffair?TwoyearsagointheEdirneGateneighborhoodthey’dkilledaclothespeddlar—aftercuttingoffherears—becausethemaidenshe’dpromisedtoonemanmarriedanother.MygrandmotherusedtotellmethatTurkswouldoftenkillamanfornoreason.IlongedtobewithmydearestNesim,athomehavinglentilsoup.Eventhoughmyfeetresisted,IthoughtabouthowShekurewouldbethere,andwalkedtothehouse.Curiositywaseatingatme.
“Clothierrr!IhavenewChinesesilksforholidayoutfits.”
Isensedtheorangishlightfilteringoutbetweentheshuttersmove.Thedooropened.Hasan’spolitef
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