Me and Miss Mandible
Me and Miss Mandible (第2/3页)
wastoomuchundertheimpressionthatwhattheauthorities(whodecides?)hadordainedformewasrightandproper,thatIconfusedauthoritywithlifeitself.Mypathwasnotparticularlyofmyownchoosing.Mycareerstretchedoutinfrontofmelikeapaperchase,andmyrolewastopickuptheclues.WhenIgotoutofschool,thefirsttime,Ifeltthatthisestimatewassubstantiallycorrect,andeagerlyenteredthehunt.Ifoundcluesabundant:diplomas,membershipcards,campaignbuttons,amarriagelicense,insuranceforms,dischargepapers,taxreturns,CertificatesofMerit.Theyseemedtoprove,attheveryleast,thatIwasintherunning.ButthatwasbeforemytragicmistakeontheMrs.AntonBichekclaim.
Imisreadaclue.Donotmisunderstandme:itwasatragedyonlyfromthepointofviewoftheauthorities.Iconceivedthatitwasmydutytoobtainsatisfactionfortheinjured,forthiselderlylady(notevenoneofourpolicyholders,butaclaimantagainstBigBenTransfer&Storage,Inc.)fromthecompany.Thesettlementwas$165,000;theclaim,Istillbelieve,wasjust.ButwithoutmyencouragementMrs.Bichekwouldneverhavehadtheself-lovetoprizeherinjurysohighly.Thecompanypaid,butitsfaithinme,inmyefficacyintherole,wasbroken.HenryGoodykind,thedistrictmanager,expressedthisthoughtinafewnotaltogetherunsympatheticwords,andtoldmeatthesametimethatIwastohaveanewrole.ThenextthingIknewIwashere,atHoraceGreeleyElementary,underthelubriciouseyeofMissMandible.
17October
Todaywearetohaveafiredrill.IknowthisbecauseIamaFireMarshal,notonlyforourroombutfortheentirerightwingofthesecondfloor.Thisdistinction,whichwasawardedshortlyaftermyarrival,isinterpretedbysomeasanothermarkofmysomewhatdubiousrelationswithourteacher.Myarmband,whichisredanddecoratedwithwhitefeltlettersreadingFIRE,sitsonthelittleshelfundermydesk,nexttothebrownpaperbagcontainingthelunchIcarefullymakeformyselfeachmorning.Oneoftheadvantagesofpackingmyownlunch(Ihavenoopackitforme)isthatIamabletofillitwiththingsIenjoy.Thepeanutbuttersandwichesthatmymothermadeinmyformerexistence,manyyearsago,havebeenbanishedinfavorofhamandcheese.Ihavefoundthatmydiethasmysteriouslyadjustedtomynewsituation;Inolongerdrink,forinstance,andwhenIsmoke,itisintheboysjohn,likeeverybodyelse.WhenschoolisoutIhardlysmokeatall.ItisonlyinthematterofsexthatIfeelmyowntrueage;thisisapparentlysomethingthat,oncelearned,canneverbeforgotten.IliveinfearthatMissMandiblewillonedaykeepmeafterschool,andwhenwearealone,createacompromisingsituation.ToavoidthisIhavebecomeamodelpupil:anotherreasonforthepronounceddislikeIhaveencounteredincertainquarters.ButIcannotdenythatIamsingedbythoselongglancesfromthevicinityofthechalkboard;MissMandibleisinmanyways,notablyaboutthebust,averytastypiece.
24October
Thereareisolatedchallengestomylargeness,tomydimlyrealizedpositionintheclassasGulliver.Mostofmyclassmatesarepoliteaboutthismatter,astheywouldbeifIhadonlyoneeye,orwasted,metal-wrappedlegs.Iamviewedasamutationofsomesortbutessentiallyapeer.HoweverHarryBroan,whosefatherhasmadehimselfrichmanufacturingtheBroanBathroomVent(withwhichHarryisfrequentlyreproached;heisalwaysbeingaskedhowthingsareinVentsville),todayinquiredifIwantedtofight.Aninterestedgroupofhisfollowershadgatheredtoobservethissuicidalundertaking.IrepliedthatIdidntfeelquiteuptoit,forwhichhewasobviouslygrateful.Wearenowfriendsforever.HehasgivenmetounderstandprivatelythathecangetmeallthebathroomventsIwilleverneed,ataridiculouslymodestfigure.
25October
"Manyinterestingandlifelikeproblemsinvolvingtheuseoffractionsshouldbesolved"Thetheoristsfailtorealizethateverythingthatiseitherinterestingorlifelikeintheclassroomproceedsfromwhattheywouldprobablycallinterpersonalrelations:SueAnnBrownlykickingmeintheankle.Howlifelike,howwomanlike,ishertendersolicitudeafterthedeed!Herprideinmynewlyacquiredlimpistransparent;everyoneknowsthatshehassethermarkuponme,thatitisavictoryinherunequalstrugglewithMissMandibleformygreat,overgrownheart.EvenMissMandibleknows,andcountersinperhapstheonlywayshecan,withsarcasm."Areyouwounded,Joseph?"Conflagrationssmolderbehindhereyelids,yearningfortheFireMarshalcloudshereyes.ImumblethatIhavebumpedmyleg.
30October
Ireturnagainandagaintotheproblemofmyfuture.
4November
TheundergroundcirculatinglibraryhasbroughtmeacopyofMovie-TVSecrets,themulticolorcoverblazonedwiththeheadline"DebbiesDateInsultsLiz!"ItisagiftfromFrankieRandolph,aratherplaingirlwhountiltodayhashadnotonewordforme,passedonviaBobbyVanderbilt.Inodandsmileovermyshoulderinacknowledgment;Frankiehidesherheadunderherdesk.Ihaveseenthesemagazinesbeingpassedaroundamongthegirls(sometimesoneoftheboyswillcondescendtoinspectaparticularlyluridcover).MissMandibleconfiscatesthemwhenevershefindsone.IleafthroughMovie-TVSecretsandgetaneyeful."Theexclusivepictureonthesepagesisntwhatitseems.Weknowhowitlooksandweknowwhatthegossiperswilldo.Sointheinterestsofaniceguy,werepublishingthefactsfirst.Hereswhatreallyhappened!"Thepictureshowsarisingyoungmovieidolinbed,pajama-edandbleary-eyed,whileanequallyblowzyyoungwomanlooksstartledbesidehim.Iamhappytoknowthatthepictureisnotreallywhatitseems;itseemstobenothinglessthandivorceevidence.
Whatdothesehiplesseleven-year-oldsthinkwhentheycomeacross,inthesamemagazine,thefull-pageadforMauricedeParee,whichfeatures"HipHelpers"orwhatappeartobepaddedrumps?("Arealundercoveragentthataddsappealtothosehipsandderriere,both!")Iftheycannotdecipherthelanguagetheillustrationsleavenothingtotheimagination."Drivehimfrantic"thecopycontinues.PerhapsthisexplainsBobbyVanderbiltspreoccupationwithLanciasandMaseratis;itisadefenseagainstbeingdrivenfrantic.
SueAnnhasobservedFrankieRandolphsoverture,andcatchingmyeye,shepullsfromhersatchelnolessthanseventeenofthesemagazines,thrustingthematmeasiftoprovethatanythinganyofherrivalshastooffer,shecantop.Ishufflethroughthemquickly,notingthebroadeditorialperspective:
"DebbiesKidsAreCrying"
"EddieAsksDebbie:WillYou?"
"TheNightmaresLizHasAboutEddie!"
"TheThingsDebbieCanTellAboutEddie"
"ThePrivateLifeofEddieandLiz"
"DebbieGetsHerManBack?"
"ANewLifeforLiz"
"LoveIsaTrickyAffair"
"EddiesTaylor-MadeLoveNest"
"HowLizMadeaManofEddie"
"AreTheyPlanningtoLiveTogether?"
"IsntItTimetoStopKickingDebbieAround?"
"DebbiesDilemma"
"EddieBecomesaFatherAgain"
"IsDebbiePlanningtoRe-wed?"
"CanLizFulfillHerself?"
"WhyDebbieIsSickofHollywood"
Whoarethesepeople,Debbie,Eddie,Liz,andhowdidtheygetthemselvesinsuchaterriblepredicament?SueAnnknows,Iamsure;itisobviousthatshehasbeenstudyingtheirhistoryasaguidetowhatshemayexpectwhensheissuddenlyfreedfromthisdrab,flatclassroom.
（本章未完，请点击下一页继续阅读）