Me and Miss Mandible
Me and Miss Mandible (第3/3页)
IamangryandIshovethemagazinesbackatherwithnotevenawhisperofthanks.
5November
ThesixthgradeatHoraceGreeleyElementaryisafurnaceoflove,love,love.Todayitisraining,butinsidetheairisheavyandtensewithpassion.SueAnnisabsent;Isuspectthatyesterdaysexchangehasdrivenhertoherbed.Guilthangsaboutme.Sheisnotresponsible,Iknow,forwhatshereads,forthemodelsproposedtoherbyavenalpublishingindustry;Ishouldnothavebeensoharsh.Perhapsitisonlytheflu.
NowherehaveIencounteredanatmosphereaschargedwithabortedsexualityasthis.MissMandibleishelpless;nothinggoesrighttoday.AmosDarinhasbeenfounddrawingadirtypictureinthecloakroom.Sadandinaccurate,itwasofferednotasasignofsomethingelsebutasanactofloveinitself.Ithasexcitedeventhosewhohavenotseenit,eventhosewhosawbutunderstoodonlythatitwasdirty.Theroombuzzeswithimperfectlycomprehendedtitillation.Amosstandsbythedoor,waitingtobetakentotheprincipalsoffice.Hewaversbetweenfearandenjoymentofhistemporarycelebrity.FromtimetotimeMissMandiblelooksatmereproachfully,asifblamingmefortheuproar.ButIdidnotcreatethisatmosphere,Iamcaughtinitlikealltheothers.
8November
EverythingispromisedmyclassmatesandI,mostofallthefuture.Weaccepttheoutrageousassuranceswithoutblinking.
9November
Ihavefinallyfoundthenervetopetitionforalargerdesk.AtrecessIcanhardlywalk;mylegsdonotwishtouncoilthemselves.MissMandiblesaysshewilltakeitupwiththecustodian.Sheisworriedabouttheexcellenceofmythemes.HaveI,sheasks,beenreceivinghelp?ForaninstantIamonthebrinkoftellinghermystory.Something,however,warnsmenottoattemptit.HereIamsafe,Ihaveaplace;Idonotwishtoentrustmyselfoncemoretothewhimsyofauthority.Iresolvetomakemythemeslessexcellentinthefuture.
11November
Aruinedmarriage,aruinedadjustingcareer,agriminterludeintheArmywhenIwasalmostnotaperson.Thisisthesumofmyexistencetodate,adismaltotal.Smallwonderthatre-educationseemedmyonlyhope.ItiscleareventomethatIneedreworkinginsomefundamentalway.Howefficientisthesocietythatprovidesthusforthesalvageofitsclinkers!
Pluckedfrommyunexaminedlifeamongotherpleasant,desperate,money-makingyoungAmericans,thrownbackwardinspaceandtime,IambeginningtounderstandhowIwentwrong,howweallgowrong.(Althoughthiswasfarfromtheintentionofthosewhosentmehere;theyrequireonlythatIgetright.)
14November
Thedistinctionbetweenchildrenandadults,whileprobablyusefulforsomepurposes,isatbottomaspeciousone,Ifeel.Thereareonlyindividualegos,crazyforlove.
15November
ThecustodianhasinformedMissMandiblethatourdesksareallthecorrectsizeforsixth-graders,asspecifiedbytheBoardofEstimateandfurnishedtheschoolsbytheNu-ArtEducationalSupplyCorporationofEnglewood,California.Hehaspointedoutthatifthedesksizeiscorrect,thenthepupilsizemustbeincorrect.MissMandible,whohasalreadyarrivedatthisconclusion,refusestopressthematterfurther.IthinkIknowwhy.Anappealtotheadministrationmightresultinmyremovalfromtheclass,inatransfertosomesortofsetupfor"exceptionalchildren."Thiswouldbeadisasterofthefirstmagnitude.Tositinaroomwithchildgeniuses(or,morelikely,childrenwhoare"retarded")wouldshrivelmeinaweek.Letmyexperienceherebethatofthecommonrun,Isay;letmebe,pleaseGod,typical.
20November
Wereadsignsaspromises.MissMandibleunderstandsbymygreatheight,bymyresonantvowels,thatIwillonedaycarryherofftobed.SueAnninterpretsthesesamesignstomeanthatIamuniqueamonghermaleacquaintances,thereforemostdesirable,thereforeherspecialpropertyasiseverythingthatisMostDesirable.Ifneitherofthesepropositionsworkoutthenlifehasbrokenfaithwiththem.
Imyself,inmyformerexistence,readthecompanymotto("HeretoHelpinTimeofNeed")asadescriptionofthedutyoftheadjuster,drasticallymislocatingthecompanysdeepestconcerns.IbelievedthatbecauseIhadobtainedawifewhowasmadeupofwife-signs(beauty,charm,softness,perfume,cookery)Ihadfoundlove.Brenda,readingthesamesignsthathavenowmisledMissMandibleandSueAnnBrownly,feltshehadbeenpromisedthatshewouldneverbeboredagain.Allofus,MissMandible,SueAnn,myself,Brenda,Mr.Goodykind,stillbelievethattheAmericanflagbetokensakindofgeneralrighteousness.
ButIsay,lookingaboutmeinthisincubatoroffuturecitizens,thatsignsaresigns,andthatsomeofthemarelies.Thisisthegreatdiscoveryofmytimehere.
23November
Itmaybethatmyexperienceasachildwillsavemeafterall.IfonlyIcanremainquietlyinthisclassroom,makingmynoteswhileNapoleonplodsthroughRussiainthedroningvoiceofHarryBroan,readingaloudfromourHistorytext.Allofthemysteriesthatperplexedmeasanadulthavetheiroriginshere,andonebyoneIamnumberingthem,exposingtheirroots.
2December
MissMandiblewillrefusetopermitmetoremainungrown.Herhandsrestonmyshoulderstoowarmly,andfortoolong.
7December
Itisthepledgesthatthisplacemakestome,pledgesthatcannotberedeemed,thatconfusemelaterandmakemefeelIamnotgettinganywhere.Everythingispresentedastheresultofsomeknowableprocess;ifIwishtoarriveatfourIgettherebywayoftwoandtwo.IfIwishtoburnMoscowtherouteImusttravelhasalreadybeenmarkedoutbyanothervisitor.If,likeBobbyVanderbilt,IyearnforthewheeloftheLancia2.4-litercoupé,1haveonlytogothroughtheappropriateprocess,thatis,getthemoney.AndifitismoneyitselfthatIdesire,Ihaveonlytomakeit.AllofthesegoalsareequallybeautifulinthesightoftheBoardofEstimate;theproofisallaroundus,intheno-nonsenseuglinessofthissteelandglassbuilding,inthestraightlinematter-of-factnesswithwhichMissMandiblehandlessomeofourlessreputablewars.Whopointsoutthatarrangementssometimesslip,thaterrorsaremade,thatsignsaremisread?"Theyhaveconfidenceintheirabilitytotaketherightstepsandtoobtaincorrectanswers."Itaketherightsteps,obtaincorrectanswers,andmywifeleavesmeforanotherman.
8December
Myenlightenmentisproceedingwonderfully.
9December
Disasteronceagain.TomorrowIamtobesenttoadoctor,forobservation.SueAnnBrownlycaughtMissMandibleandmeinthecloakroom,duringrecess,andimmediatelythrewafit.ForamomentIthoughtshewasactuallygoingtochoke.Sheranoutoftheroomweeping,straightfortheprincipalsoffice,certainnowwhichofuswasDebbie,whichEddie,whichLiz.Iamsorrytobethecauseofherdisillusionment,butIknowthatshewillrecover.MissMandibleisruinedbutfulfilled.Althoughshewillbechargedwithcontributingtothedelinquencyofaminor,sheseemsatpeace;herpromisehasbeenkept.Sheknowsnowthateverythingshehasbeentoldaboutlife,aboutAmerica,istrue.
IhavetriedtoconvincetheschoolauthoritiesthatIamaminoronlyinaveryspecialsense,thatIaminfactmostlytoblame——butitdoesnogood.Theyareasdenseasever.MycontemporariesareastoundedthatIpresentmyselfasanythingotherthananinnocentvictim.LiketheOldGuardmarchingthroughtheRussiandrifts,theclassmarchestotheconclusionthattruthispunishment.
BobbyVanderbilthasgivenmehiscopyofSoundsofSebring,infarewell.
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