I AM A WOMAN
I AM A WOMAN (第2/3页)
eoftenreadinbooksandheardfrompreachers,whenyouareawoman,youdon’tfeelliketheDevil.
Notatall!WhenIpulledonmymother’srose-embroideredwoolunderclothes,agentlesenseofwell-beingspreadovermeandIfeltassensitiveasshe.Thetouchagainstmybareskinofmyaunt’spistachio-greensilkshirt,whichshecouldneverbringherselftowear,mademefeelanirrepressibleaffectiontowardallchildren,includingmyself.Iwantedtonurseeverybodyandcookforthewholeworld.AfterIunderstoodtosomeextentwhatitwasliketohavebreasts,IstuffedmychestwithwhateverIcouldfind—socksandwashcloths—soImightunderstandwhatreallymademecurious:howitfelttobealarge-breastedwoman.WhenIsawthesehugeprotrusions,yes,Iadmitit,IwasasproudasSatan.Iunderstoodatoncethatmen,merelycatchingsightoftheshadowofmyoverabundantbreasts,wouldchaseafterthemandstrivetotakethemintotheirmouths;Ifeltquitepowerful,butisthatwhatIwanted?Iwasbefuddled:Iwantedbothtobepowerfulandtobetheobjectofpity;Iwantedarich,powerfulandintelligentman,whomIdidn’tknowfromAdam,tofallmadlyinlovewithme;yetIalsofearedsuchaman.Slidingonthebraceletsmadeoftwistedgoldthatmymotherhidatthebottomofhertrousseauchestnexttothesheetsembroideredwithleafydesigns,inlavender-scentedwoolsocks,applyingtherougewithwhichshebrightenedhercheeksonthewaybackfromthepublicbaths,donningmyaunt’severgreencloakandputtingonthethinveilofthesamecoloraftergatheringupmyhair,Istaredatmyselfinthemirrorwiththemother-of-pearlframe,andshuddered.AlthoughIhadn’ttouchedthem,myeyesandeyelasheshadbecomethoseofawoman.Onlymyeyesandcheekswereexposed,butIwasanextraordinarilyattractivewomanandthismademeveryhappy.Mymanliness,whichtooknoteofthisfactbeforeevenIhad,waserect.Naturally,thisupsetme.
InthehandmirrorIheld,Iwatchedateardropslidefrommylovelyeyeandjustthen,apoempainfullycametomind.I’veneverbeenabletoforgetit,becauseatthatsamemoment,inspiredbytheAlmighty,Isangthatpoemrhythmicallylikeasong,tryingtoforgetmywoes:MyfickleheartlongsfortheWestwhenI’mintheEastandfortheEastwhenI’mintheWest.
MyotherpartsinsistIbeawomanwhenI’mamanandamanwhenI’mawoman.
Howdifficultitisbeinghuman,evenworseislivingahuman’slife.
Ionlywanttoamusemyselffrontsideandbackside,tobeEasternandWesternboth.
Iwasgoingtosay,“Let’shopeourErzurumibrethrendon’thearthesongissuingfrommyheart,”forthey’llbecross.ButwhyshouldIbeafraid?Perhapstheywon’tbeangryatall.Listen,I’mnotsayingthisforthesakeofgossip,butI’velearnedhowthatfamouspreachertheExaltedNot-Husret-by-a-LongshotEffendi,despitebeingmarried,prefershandsomeboystouswomenjustasyousensitivepaintersdo.I’mjusttellingyouwhatI’veheard.ButIpaynomindtoanyofthisbecauseIfindhimrepulsivebesides,andhe’ssoold.Histeethhavefallenoutandastheyoungboyswhogetclosetohimsay,hismouthstinks,excusetheexpression,likeabear’sass.
Allrightthen,I’mholdingoffonthehearsaytoreturntotherealissueathand:AssoonasIsawhowbeautifulIwas,Inolongerwantedtowashclothesanddishesandparad
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