The Sea of Hesitation
The Sea of Hesitation (第1/3页)
"IfJacksonhadpressedMcClellaninWhiteOakSwamp,"Francescasaid."IfLongstreethadproceededvigorouslyonthefirstdayatSecondManassas.Ifwehadhadthe40,000pairsofshoesweneededwhenweenteredMaryland.IfBlosshadnotfoundtheenvelopecontainingthetwocigarsandthecopyofLeesSecretOrderNo.191atFrederick.IfthepneumoniahadnottakenJackson.IfEwellhadsecuredpossessionofCemeteryHeightsonthefirstdayofGettysburg.IfPickettschargeIfEarlysmarchintotheValleyIfwehadhadsufficientfoodforourtroopsatPetersburg.IfourattackonFortStedmanhadsucceeded.IfPickettandFitzhughLeehadnotindulgedinashadbakeatFiveForks.IftherehadbeenstoresandprovisionsaspromisedatAmeliaCourtHouse.IfEwellhadnotbeencapturedatSaylorsCreektogetherwithsixteenartillerypiecesandfourhundredwagons.IfLeehadunderstoodLincoln——hismind,hislargerintentions.Iftherehadbeenadegreeofcompetenceinourcivilianadministrationequaltothatexhibitedbythemilitary.Then,perhaps,matterswouldhavebeenbroughttoahappierconclusion."
"Yes,"Isaid.
Francescaisslightlyobsessed.Butonemustletpeopletalkaboutwhattheywanttotalkabout.Onemustletpeopledowhattheywanttodo.
ThismorninginthemailIreceivedanabusiveletterfromawomaninPrague.
DearGreasyThomas:
Youcannotunderstandwhatapigyouare.Youareapig,youidiot.Youthinkyouunderstandthingsbutthereisnothingyouunderstand,nothing,idiotpig-swine.Youhavenotwisdomandyouhavenodiscretionandnothingcanbedonewithoutwisdomanddiscretion.Howdidapig-cretinlikeyourselfeverwriggleintolife?Whydoyouexiststill,vulgarswine?IfyoudontthinkIamgoingtoinformthegovernmentofyourinappropriatecontinuedexistence,astainonthecountrysfaceYoucanexpectFederalMarshalsincloudsverysoon,cretin-hideous-swine,andIwilllaughastheyhaulyouawayintheirgreenvans,uglytoad.Youknownothingaboutanything,garbage-face,andtheideathatyouwoulddare"think"forothers(Iknowyouarenotcapableof"feeling")issowildlyoutrageousthatIwouldlaughoutloudifIwerenotsickofyourimportunateposturing,egregiousfraud-pig.Youarenotevenanhonestpigwhichisatleastofsomeuseintheworld,youareratheranoceanofpig-dippoisoningeverythingyoutouch.Idonotlikeyouatall.
Love,
Jinka
Ireadthelettertwice.Sheiscertainlyangry.Butonemustletpeopledowhattheywanttodo.
IworkfortheCity.IntheHumanEffortAdministration.Myworkconsistsofprocessingapplications.Peopleapplyforallsortsofthings.Iapproveallapplicationsandbuckthemupwards,wheretheyareusuallydisapproved.Upstairstheydonotagreewithme,thatpeopleshouldbepermittedtodowhattheywanttodo.Upstairstheyhavedifferentideas.But"differentideas"arewelcomed,inmyparticularcosmos.
BeforeIworkedfortheCityIwasinterestedinchangingbehavior.Ithoughtbehaviorcouldbechanged.IhadaB.A.inpsychology,wasworkingonanM.A.Iwasintosensorydeprivation.IdidsensorydeprivationstudiesforawhileatMcGillandlateratPrinceton.
AtMcGillweinhabitedthebasementofTaubHall,believedtobethefirstbuildingintheworlddevotedexclusivelytothestudyofhatred.Butwewerenotstudyinghatred,weweredoingblack-boxworkandthehatredpeoplekindlylentustheirbasement.Iwasinchargeofthelessintelligentsubjects(thesubjectsweredividedintolessintelligentandmoreintelligent).IspenttwoyearsinthebasementofTaubHallandlearnedmanyinterestingthings.
Thetemperatureoftheheaddoesnotdecreaseinsleep.Thetemperatureoftherestofthebodydoes.
ThereIsatforweeksonendmonitoringsubjectswhohadhalfPing-Pongballstapedovertheireyesandawhite-noisegeneratorat40dbsingingintheirears.Ivolunteeredasasubjectand,gratifiedatbeingassignedtothe"moreintelligent"group,spentmanymanyhoursintheblackboxwithhalfPing-Pongballstapedovermyeyesandthewhite-noisegeneratoremittingitsobliteratingwhine/whisper.AlthoughIhadsomeintricateType4hallucinations,nothingmuchelsehappenedtome.ExceptIbegantowonderifbehaviorshouldbechanged.Thattherewas"behavior"atallseemedtomeasmallmiracle.
Iponderedgoingontostresstheory,whereinoneinvestigatesthewaysinwhichthestressedindividualreactstostress,butdecidedsuddenlytodosomethingelseinstead.IdecidedtotakeajobwiththeHumanEffortAdministrationandtotry,insofaraspossible,toletpeopledowhattheywanttodo.
Iamawarethatmyworkis,inmanyways,meaningless.
AcallfromHonor,myex-wife.Ivepromisedherabedforhernewapartment.
"Didyougetit?"
"Notyet."
"Whynot?"
"Ivebeenbusy.Doingthings."
"Butwhataboutthebed?"
"ItoldyouIdtakecareofit."
"Yesbutwhen?"
"Somepeoplecangettheirownbedsfortheirnewapartments."
"Butthatsnotthepoint.Youpromised."
"Thatwasinthefirstflushofgoodfeelingandwarmth.Whenyousaidyouwerecomingbacktotown."
"Nowyoudonthaveanygoodfeelingandwarmth?"
"Fullofit.Brimming.HowsSam?"
"Hesgettingtiredofsleepingonthecouch.Itsnotbigenoughforbothofus."
"Myheartcriesoutforhim."
ShesseeingSamnow,thatsalittlestrange.Shedidntseemtotaketohim,earlyon.
Sam.Whatshelike?Likeavillain.Hairlikeanoilspill,mustachelikeatwistofcarbonpaper,highwhitelinelessforehead,blacktightsanddoublet,daggerclaspedintreacherousrighthand,sneakswhenhesnotslithering
No.Thatsincompletelytrue.Samsjustliketherestofus:jeans,turtleneck,beard,smilewithonechippedtooth,goodwithchildren,backwardinhistaxes,adegreeineducation,aB.Ed.Andhecamewiththeverybestreferencestoo,Charlottedoted,Francinecouldntgetenough,Ma
（本章未完，请点击下一页继续阅读）