The Sea of Hesitation
The Sea of Hesitation (第3/3页)
ishunguponthepast.SheispersuadedthatinanearlierexistenceshewasBalzacsmistress(oneofBalzacsmistresses).
"IenduredHonorésgrandness,"shesaid,"becauseitwasspurious.SpuriousgrandnessIunderstandverywell.WhatIcouldnotunderstandwashishankeringforgreatness."
"Buthewasgreat,"Isaid.
"Iwasimpatientwithallthoseartists,sittingaround,hankeringforgreatness.OfcourseHonorewasgreat.Buthedidntknowit,atthetime,forsure.Orhedidandhedidnt.Thereweremomentsofdoubt,depression."
"Asisnatural."
"Theseekingaftergreatness,"saidCatherine,"isasickness,inmyopinion.Itislikegreed,onlygreedhasbetterresults.Greedcanatleastbringyouafinehouseonagrandavenue,andstrawberriesforbreakfast,inarichcream,andservantstobeat,whentheydonotbehave.Iprefergreed.Honoréwasgreedy,inareasonableway,butwhathewasmostlyinterestedinwasgreatness.Iwasstuckwithgreatness."
"Yes,"Isaid.
"You,"Catherinesaid,"areneithergreatnorgreedy."
"Onemustletpeoplebe——"Ibegan.
"Yes,"Catherinesaid,"thatsoundsgood,onthesurface,butthinkingitthrough——"Shefinishedherespresso,placedthelittlecuppreciselyonthelittlesaucer."Takemeout,"shesaid."Takemetoalibrary."
Wewenttoalibraryandspentapleasantafternoonthere.
Francescawasstrokingthebrownbackofalargespayedcat——thehatdoesntlikeme.
"Leewasnotwithouthisfaults,"shesaid."NotforamomentwouldIhaveyoubelievethathewasfaultless."
"Whatwashisprincipalfault?"
"Losing,"shesaid.
IwenttotheArtCinemaandsawaSwedishfilmaboutamanlivingaloneonanisland.Somebodywaskillingagreatmanysheepontheislandandthehero,ahermit,wassuspected.Therewereagreatmanyshotsofsheepwiththeirthroatscut,redbloodonthewhitesnow,glimpses.Thehermitfixedacarforawomanwhosecarhadbrokendown.Theywenttobedtogether.Therewereflashbackshavingtodowiththewomansformerhusband,amaninawheelchair.Itwasdeterminedthatsomebodyelse,notthehermit,hadbeenkillingthesheep.Thefilmendedwithacarcrashinwhichthewomanwaskilled.Whiteout.
Shouldgreatfilmartistsbeallowedtodowhattheywanttodo?
CatherineisworkingonhertranslationofthecompleteworksofBalzac.Honoré,sheinsists,hasneverbeenproperlytranslated.Shewilldevoteherlifetothetask,shesays.ActuallyIhavelookedatsomepagesofherLouisLambertandtheyseemtomesignificantlyworsethantheversionIreadincollege.IthinkofBalzacinthegreatstatuebyRodin,holdinghiserect(possiblyoverstated)cockinbothhandsunderhiscloakofbronze.Aninspiration.
WhenIwasintheblackbox,duringmySDdays,therewasnothingIwantedtodo.Ididntevenwanttogetout.OrperhapstherewashingIwantedtodo:SitintheboxwiththehalfPing-Pongballstapedovermyeyesandthewhite-noisegeneratorstandinginforthesirensofUlysses(himselfanearlySDsubject)andpermittheSeniorInvestigator(Dr.Colcross,theonewiththebadleg)todowhathewantedtodo.
Isthiswill-lessness,finally?Abulia,aswecallitinthetrade?Idontthinkso.
IpursuePossibility.Thatssomething.
Thereisnomomentthatexceedsinbeautythatmomentwhenonelooksatawomanandfindsthatsheislookingatyouinthesamewaythatyouarelookingather.Themomentinwhichshebestowsthatlookthatsays,"Proceedwithyourevilplan,sumbitch."Theinitialsmashofglanceonglance.Then,thedrawingnear.Thistakesalongtime,itseemslikemonths,althoughonlyminutespass,infact.Languoristhewordthatdescribesthispartoftheprocess.Yourpersonafloatstowardherpersona,overtheSeaofHesitation.Manyweekspassbeforetheymeet,buttheweeksaredays,orseconds.Still,everythingisdecided.Youhaveslepttogetherintheglance.
Shetakesyourarmandyouleavethenewsstand,walkingveryclosetogether,sothatyoursidebrusheshersidelightly.Desireishereaverystrongfactor,becauseyouareweakwithit,andthewomanistoo,ifshehasanysenseatall(butofcoursesheisasensiblewoman,andbrilliantandwittyandhungryaswell).So,onthesidewalkoutsidethenewsstand,youstandforamomentthinkingaboutwheretogo,atelevenoclockinthemorning,andhereitis,inthesunlight,thatyoutakethefirstgoodlookather,andsheatyou,toseeifeitheronehasanyhideousblemishthathasbeenoverlooked,inthefirstrushofgoodfeeling.Therearenone.None.Noblemishes(exceptthosespiritualblemishesthatwillbediscoveredlater,afterextendedacquaintance,andwhichnoneofusarewithout,butwhicharenowlatent?dormant?inanycase,notvisibleonthesurface,atthistime).Everythingisfine.Andso,withrenewedconfidence,youbegintowalk,andtoseekaplacewhereyoumightsitdown,andhaveadrink,andtalkabit,andfallintoeachotherseyes,temporarily,andfindsomepretzels,andhavewhatiscalledaconversation,andtelleachotherwhatyouthinkistrueabouttheworld,andspeakofthestrangeplaceswhereeachofyouhasbeen(Surinam,inhercase,wheresheboughtthebeltsheiswearing,Limainyourcase,whereyoucontractedtelegraphfever),andmakearrangementsforyournextmeeting(bothofyoudrinkingScotchandwater,ateleveninthemorning,andyouwarmtoherbecauseofherwillingnesstoleavehernaturalmid-morningtrack,foryou),andmake,asIsay,arrangementsforyournextmeeting,whichmustbethisverynight!oryoubothwilldie——
Thereisnoparticularpointtoanyofthisbehavior.Or:Thisbehavioristheonlybehaviorwhichhaspoint.Or:Thereissomepointtothisbehaviorbutthisbehaviorisnottheonlybehaviorwhichhaspoint.Whichistrue?Truthisgreatlyoverrated,volitionwhereitexistsmustbeprotected,wantingitselfcanbeobliterated,somepeoplehaveforgottenhowtowant.
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